We all wear labels whether we want to or not. But how many times do we say we don't like labels? Yet, to be an outsider, an outcast who does not fit into the norm is something that we avoid like the plague. Marie desperately wanted to be a part of something and was willing to pay the price to do so by leaving everything behind. I saw myself in Marie as I read "Saint Marie" by Louise Erdich, and it was a poignant realization.
Growing up, I was pretty sheltered. By my parents' rules, I lived a life that kept me from sleepovers, hanging out with friends, kid parties, outside family members, sports teams, and restrictions that would force anyone into rebel or wish to at some point. I definitely connected with Marie's character as I read the story. Even though there are people out there, children even, who would give anything to share that tight-knit family, I can promise you that it was anything but that. My mother had an unnatural fear of the outside world. The people she interacted with other than her immediate family went as far as the grocery store, bank, gas station, and our local department store. Her steadfast rule was the world was out to get you and to never forget it.
In school, I felt like the social outcast even being in a classroom of 20 other kids my age. By fourth grade, I did not like Mondays or Fridays. When I was at school, I felt left out when the kids would host sleepovers at their houses, have birthday parties, or play sports on the same team. On Mondays I would hear about the great time most of the class had. On Fridays I would hear the plans made by most of the class once again. I could not understand why I was never allowed to take part in activities outside of school. It made me desperate to fit in and be able to share similar experiences.
This need to fit in transformed me into an outgoing person - a little too outgoing. By the time I was in eighth grade, I had developed a reputation through fabricated stories about myself and my weekend adventures. I had physically developed into a somewhat attractive teenager. I joined the pep club, the track team, and tried out for gymnastics by telling my mother that she did not have to come to those things. I would simply stay after school to participate. My mom would not have to interact with anyone or even identify herself as my mother. She allowed it but complained after every practice that she was inconvenienced.
So how does this tie in to Marie? Marie was dying to get out just as I was. Marie wanted to go to town and just wanted to be a part of something. By ninth grade, I was dying to interact with other people. Unfortunately, I hung around people who did not exactly share my similar interests though. They partied, they skipped classes, they did not care about school, and they definitely did not truly care about me. But if I hung around them, I was categorized with them. I actually had a group. Marie wanted to conform to something or somebody. There is a psychology to this feeling of conformity that explains the need to fit in. Marie wanted acceptance and love, and she did not care how she came about it. Her time with Sister Leopolda in the convent demonstrates this necessity more than a husband and his brats ever could.
So playing the part of outcast is something Marie did until she wanted to move on to a new role. Her need for conformity and shelter brought her pain but in the interim, it gave her strength too. I became a stronger person by the time my senior year rolled around. Like Marie, I endured physical, emotional, and mental pain. Joining a group I did not really want to be part of taught me a lot about myself. My need to fit in lessened. I no longer needed validation from the others who were neatly fitting into groups, boyfriends, teachers, and even my parents. Marie's transformation was much quicker than mine but nonetheless, I understand her plight at age 14. I was an outsider and still am at times today, but I learned that confidence and my own strength will carry me through.
No comments:
Post a Comment